Just Typing

I have a little bit to type before my therapy appointment. What do I want to say? Well, I am going to start with one thing on my mind at the moment and we will see from there.

My anxiety has increased to a large degree the past week. I have had a couple of panic attacks even. I am not used to having those often. Some of this weeks' events would naturally increase my anxiety, but others? Not so much. It is kind of scaring me.

I am realizing that the ADD med I am on isn't working for me. I guess I am at a high dose but I am still unable to focus and am eaily distracted and such.

Facebook can be evil. It can remind you of people and events that hurt to remember now, even though they brought joy at one point. I am letting her make the first move. If no movement has been made by the end of March, I will try to talk to her again I guess. If I can wait that long. Maybe November? I don't know. So many laughs and good memories are attached to that friendship. I am hoping it isn't over forever.

Even right now, I have already taken an Ativan yet my nerves are off the charts. My anxiety is so high that I keep losing my breath and I keep tearing up some. I don't know what to do.

I am annoyed by a new TV show on Bravo called Thintervention. UGH. I don't even want to get into it.

So far today I have had a strong urge to restrict. I fought it though and ate my breakfast/snack combo.

Last night I bought seven pairs of pants for work. I am not sure why I am stocking up for a job I might lose soon. I need the pants though. Most of my current ones fall down or look ridiculously baggy.

Still anxious.

Sandpapery

That is how my day was: sandpapery. In other words, it was insanely hard and still is. I have been struggling today. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. I hate crying, I hate crying in the vicinity of others even more.

But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.

The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.

Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.

Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.

I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places.  I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)

So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!

Must Fight The Grrrs!

Yeah, it was another stressful day for me...and it isn't even 5pm yet.

This morning my well thought-out plan to get to the training location early failed. While I had things ready, and figured out what bus to take and hoe early I would need to wake up, I failed to correct the alarm. *facepalm* I somehow made it to the bus stop on time though. I was excited that I might not have fucked up! Wrong. When I got to the bus stop, I noticed that there was no one else there. That kind of freaked me out. I saw a guy smoking in a nearby parking lot and asked if the bus had already come by. He said no. So I waiting. 10 minutes passed and there still was no bus. This freaked me out and I needed to try to "fix" it all! So, I ran to a bus stop that would be picking up soon. No show. I decided to re-Google the fastest route to get there. Google said that the absolute earliest I could get to my destination using public transit was to take another bus from route of the first bus I waited because it was coming in 5 minutes. I was a minute walk away so that was fine. Google also said that I wouldn't make it to my destination until 9:05 though. *sigh*

The bus was late. Really late. 20 minutes. It seems like no matter what bus route I choose, I end up getting screwed by MBTA.

I got to the training around 9:15. NOT GOOD. As I stated in my last post, I am already on thin ice with them. One co-worker said that to me and didn't respond to me at all when I replied.

My therapist thinks that maybe I am doing this on purpose. I am not so sure that this is the case, but I am open to it being a possibility. Sometimes the dread of going into work keeps me planted in bed. Sometimes it is the motivation to even try to do anything I just end up sitting and spacing out. Sometimes some of my compulsive behaviors slow me down for up to a half hour. I will admit, sometimes I just want to see if I can get in just a little more sleep and make it. Several times though, I truly want to get there on time and not be that "trouble" employee. I am tired of looking so irresponsible and feeling so guilty. Maybe I am though.

No matter what the reasons behind my issues causing friction at work, I am afraid of being jobless. I need to be more proactive in my job hunt. I need a new job. I need to find a job that meets some of my interests and will inspire me, even just a little. I think a job in the music, movie, art, or animal fields will be good for me.

This evening I leave for my trip for my Grandma's 90th birthday. How awesome is that?! We are not really that close (she totally doesn't get my style, ha ha) but I think she is still amazing. She is doing well. At the party, I will get to see some family I haven't seen in over a decade. The party will be very anxiety-provoking though. So many people and no structure around meals are going to be some triggers for me. I made sure I packed my PRN though.

There are a couple of things I am really looking forward to on this trip. One is the hugging. I so rarely get hugs here. In fact, I think the last hug I had was with a friend that I am not really on good terms with now and that was in June or May. I also have to admit that sometimes I really just want a hug, but not from just anyone.

Another thing I am looking forward to is getting to spend some time with my Mom and Sister. I haven't seen either of them since December. I am hoping that the trip will bring some good family memories and laughs, and that it is as stress-free as possible.

On a completely unrelated topic. Someone (I don't know who though) really pissed me off today. I was trying to make sure that I would get in all of my exchanges today so yesterday I placed some leftover seaweed salad I had bought in the fridge. I went to go consume it though, and it was not there. I really was looking forward to it too. How fucking inconsiderate! Apparently people in the training who have worked in that location before acted like I should have known, and laughed it off. I guess if it didn't make me anxious and derail me a little, I would have thought it was just annoying instead of being totally GRR about it.

Right now I am struggling, and it is so hard for me to push myself in making the necessary exchanges meal-wise. So, something like my veggie exchange disappearing can have me overreact a little I guess. I am about to make up for it though by having both a veggie and a fruit for my snack.

Not So Upbeat

Last night and today have been horrible. So yeah, this post will not be a positive one. In fact, it is basically me whining. So, I will understand if no one reads this.

Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!

I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.

After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.

This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.

Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.

The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.

Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.

* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.

Okay, back to the trials of the day.

The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!

We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.

We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.

I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*

So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.

I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.

Post Party

Last night I went to a friend's housewarming party. It had been quite a while since my last party, since New Year's Eve to be exact. Getting there was an issue though. I wasn't feeling very motivated and was having a hard day battling my eating disorder. I ended up getting there 3 hours late. Not all of that was on me though, the public transit system was to blame for a good hour of it at least.

Anyway, I got there and the party was fun. I only knew the one friend who invited me but everyone was really nice. I will admit I had a few too many Xingu, but hey...it happens. He he. I must say that when I see myself behave in certain ways I despise it. I am not sure if others see it like I do though.

Sometimes when I have a little too much alcohol, the next day my blood sugar is shot to hell. Today is such a day. It has been a while since it has happened though. Basically, I just get very faint, shaky, and pale...and for me to be paler...that is a feat, he he.

Anyway, I am just relaxing at the moment, watching some X-Men Evolution cartoons. Later I am hoping to do some exciting things like cleaning and maybe even laundry! What an exciting evening!

We Have a Winner!

Okay, so based on some responses as well as my own thoughts, I am going to go with the following pair of glasses:

Thank you guys for helping me pick them out!

In other news, I wasn't as productive as I hoped this weekend, but I did get a few things done. I also had fun, which is important as well. Saturday wasn't the best day. I think my depression got the better of me. I barely left my living room and also had a rather difficult time getting myself to eat. Sunday was my funday, ha ha. I went to another Meetup and hung out with a couple of the members afterwards as well.

Monday I had an appointment with my Nutritionist. I hadn't seen her since June. With my time in residential and the partial program, her scheduled filled up rather quickly. This doesn't surprise me though, she is awesome. Since I had the day off it was easier for her to fit me in. It was a kind of rough session. I know there are things I need to work on. Before I knew it my hour was up. Afterwards, I should have just gotten lunch and gone home to start on my to-dos there. Instead, I ran across a book sale. Yep, I bought some even though I probably shouldn't have. Then after lunch I went to look at some more glasses frames. No luck there. Then I went to a jewelry store to shop for some gifts. BOY did I have luck there, ha ha. I ended up buying things for a few people but the most for myself. *blush* I went to a few more places here and there. I bought 2 shirts from a local store called Hootenanny. I also bought some random stuff at Rite-Aid. Jeez. I had no business spending that kind of money. Sunday I also spent some dough on 2 pairs of Crocs. I had never planned on getting Crocs in my life. I was there with my friends (the couple mentioned earlier) though so I hung around and ended up trying a pair on. They looked cute and felt okay so I bought those as well as a pair of flip-flops. The flip-flops are going back. I wore them yesterday and ended up with blisters on my heels. Boooo. They are pretty bad and just kept reforming one on top of another. So yeah, back they go. I am going to see if there is something else I would want to exchange them for. That will happen in the upcoming weekend.

My day Monday started off pretty nicely though. As I was walking to hop on the subway for my appointment, I ran across this interesting sight:

So cute! Two of my all time favorite breeds, a greyhound and a dacshund! Yay! So of course me being me, I stopped to show some love to the doggies. The owner was super friendly and I talked with him for about 10 minutes. I had already been on a tight schedule but how could I pass that up?!

After I finally got home last night, I was bringing in my stuff when my neighbor from across the hall came out of his place. I hadn't met him, so I said hello. His kitty, Spark, came out of the apartment and proceeded to come into mine to check Phoebe out. The two seemed okay I guess. I was a little concerned because of Phoebe's illness from stress from the last kitty she lived with, but she did pretty well. Spark took a tour of my place and when I started to go pick him up to give him back to his owner, he ran under my bed, he he. He eventually came out, and as I was handing him back to his Dad, he growled. I am thinking maybe he was mad that he had to leave, ha ha. That is just a guess though.

So today I am meeting with my meetup group again, ha ha. When I get home tonight, I am hoping to organize some things. Slowly but surely my place will get clean once more. Eventually it would be nice to feel okay enough to have people in my apartment, ha ha!

The Hunt for Glasses

Soooo, I have new glasses to show. I have narrowed my choices down. However, I will be seeing more frames tomorrow, he he. I know no one cares, but oh well...I do. The choices so far:

So, which do you like the best? Let me know please. :)

New Glasses

Sooooo. Um, word to the wise: Don't leave your glasses on the floor, even if you are just too lazy to get up to place on a table. The reason? Well, if you are frantically looking for something in a hurry one morning, you just might step on them. Yep. That is what I did. The frames are screwed, ha ha. So it is time for me to get new glasses.

I went to a nearby store yesterday and tried on frames. There are 5 that I like. I am indecisive as hell so this is pretty much impossible for me to decide. So, I was hoping whoever might be reading this could leave a comment with their choice. A forewarning, I am not smiling, ha ha. Also, one of them I only have a front view of. And lastly, they all look a great deal alike but differ in shape, size, and sometimes color. So, the nominees are:

Judge me! Ha ha! Seriously...I NEED your opinion. Be blunt. Be honest.

A Pet Picking You

You know that excitement that you feel when going to choose a pet? It can be a mouse, rat, bird, snake, dog, cat, whatever. Whenever you go to make that choice, it brings excitement. Of course, it is also a major decision. After all, you are pretty much randomly choosing someone to be a family member.

Some people choose just because of the features and behaviors that a certain breed has, others just take what happens to come along their way either through a stray showing up or a friend with puppies or kittens, and some like to find out how that specific dog's behaviors and such are. As you can see, there are a variety of ways to pick out your new family member, but sometimes, you have less power in that decision than others. Sometimes the pet picks out its owners. It will act a certain way around most people but when that one special person (or however many make up the family) it makes it known that it is meant to be in you life. Destined. Connected in a way that most don't even begin to understand. As an example, I will use one of many pets that have been in my life.

I remember it was a sunny day and we were on our way in the van to a house that advertised for free kittens. I was beyond excited. I was around 8 years old at the time. My sister either 11 or 12, and of course, she was very excited too. You see, it was our first long-lasting pet. We had fish, gerbils, mice, hamsters, and even sea monkeys, ha ha. Now, don't get me wrong, our family had a cat. She was a very sweet, older kitty that eventually needed to move on. (Otherwise known as crossing Rainbow Bridge.) So yes, my sister and I would each get a kitten to call our own. My mom laid down 2 rules. The kitten needed to be short hair. Also, the cat needed to be female. 

So, we arrived at the house and as I was getting out of the van, an adorable black and white kitty was making its way to me. It was strange because it went straight to me, somewhat quickly even. It was meowing on its way. I knew at that point that I would pick that kitten. We snuggled and I told my parents that I found mine. They looked at my sister who was playing with them, petting them, holding them, etc, and asked if I wanted to take a look at the other kittens. Nope, this is my cat. My parents also saw the connection between the kitten and I. There was just one thing, it had long hair! I was afraid that my Mom wouldn't let me have it because of that. She said that she didn't really want a long hair but as long as it wasn't a male she was fine with it.

After taking the kitties to the vet and discovering that yes, my kitty was indeed a he, my Mom vetoed her rule and let me keep him. We had an amazing bond. He would only let me hold him for a long time, he would only sleep with me, not anyone else in the house, and when he would be missing for hours (prowling) he would run back to the house when I called him. He was large (not fat, just a larger boned cat) and strong. I still think about him, and I still miss him. But he definitely chose me that day.

The reason this hit my mind today is because on my way home from the bus stop, I ran across a woman, her son, and their adorable dog. I told her that he was adorable (which he was) and she said that they just got him. I asked where she picked him up and she said the name of the place. Then she said, "Actually, he chose us." I immediately smiled and thought of my first cat.