General Update

I have meant to be better about updating my journal but so far I have not really done that well at it. I am going to continue to try to write more frequently though.

One reason it has been so long is that things have not been all that fabulous. I have been stressed, sad, anxious, and could be doing better recovery-wise as well. Not all of my update will be depressing stuff though, I am going to talk about good things as well.

The last two weeks have gone downhill as far as my going to bed on time, getting enough sleep, eating according to my meal plan, and eating on time goes. I am working on it though. My nutritionist and therapist haven't given up on me, so I know I am not a total lost cause, ha ha.

The inconsistent sleep routine has made an impact on my workweek though. Yep, you guessed it, I have been late on a few occasions this week. Not good. I also have a new cubicle neighbor. She is driving me crazy. I think I might have to start wearing headphones at my desk or something. She asks the most ridiculous questions. She knows the answers too, I think she is just trying to test me which gets on my nerves.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself into a mess. I went out with a couple of friends and got extremely drunk. I will black out on occasion when this happens. This is one of those times. I hung out with my friends a few days later and found out some odd things I did. I apparently hyperventilated and had a panic attack in the cab on the way home. I was also apparently not present. Meaning, I was in my head. I don't know, there were a lot of actions that concern me from that night. I am going to try to limit my drinking. On most nights 2 drinks max, on rare occasions, up to 4.

Okay, onto the good stuff...

I have had the opportunity to see a couple of screenings of movies before they officially came to theaters. I saw It's Kind of a Funny Story a few weeks ago and also saw Conviction. Both were excellent! I recommend seeing them. Tomorrow morning I am going to see a screening of Megamind! I am excited about that. I will be seeing Morning Glory next week as well. Yay for free movies! Ha ha!

I have gone to a few Meetups since the last post also. I have played more cards, learned how to play Bridge, and gone bowling a couple of times. Good stuff. The next week or two I am busy as hell. Most of it is good stuff though, so it should be more fun than stressful.

That is all for now!

The Town

Last night I went to see the movie The Town with a couple of friends. I wasn't really sure what to expect and I hadn't really heard anything about it from any friends or anything. Since I am in the Boston area and the movie is about the area of Boston called Charlestown, the audience reacted to a few things that I am sure the other viewers would not.

For example, the opening of the movie features various facts about Charlestown that are not exactly brag-worthy, ha ha. The audience in Boston snickered at these facts while I am sure most of the average viewers would just find them kind of astonishing or interesting, maybe even a little disturbing.

The movie had me in suspense many times and took a few surprising turns. So it turns out that Ben Afleck is not only a decent actor but also a decent director and helped with the screenplay as well.

It was exciting to see places I have seen in the area and to recognize sites. My work building was in a few aerial shots as well, which kicked ass to see. My one issue is that some of the locations were supposed to be in Charlestown but were actually in the Southie area of Boston. But, I guess that has to happen sometimes depending on permits and such. The friends I went with were from Southie so they pointed these facts out to me, otherwise I wouldn't have known.

I will be adding this movie to my collection, not only because it takes place in Boston and shows common areas, but also because it is just a damn good movie. I hope some of you check it out and let me know what you think.

Thoughts on Past (and Some Present) Relationships

A few events from this year have led me to think about my past and present relationships. Throughout the years, friends and significant others have come in and drifted out of my life, some temporarily and some permanently. I have always been the type to blame myself for everything that might have gone wrong in these relationships. I have come to determine that I am just a "toxic" person or that I am just not able to be socially acceptable. In thinking about this more I am seeing that maybe I am not toxic at all, maybe I just have not shared an equal relationship with some of these people. I tend to be a rather big giver in relationships. I don't seem to have a problem with giving my friends things that some might see as a bit much. I have always considered myself a loyal friend - a friend that can be counted on when needed and supportive in general. I am realizing that I sometimes make the relationship strained in doing things like this.

I was talking to my Mom last night and it seems that she has done similar things with friendships in the past as well. She explained it in a way I understood and I have been reflecting on it ever since. She said that instead of the relationship being 50/50, I tend to make it more like 75/25. I can put stress on the relationship and other person by doing things like this.

While I know that some of my ended relationships can't and won't be amended, I am hoping that maybe some can be. I know, however, that I will use this realization in making present and future relationships better.

As far as new friends go, I am actually making some, ha ha. It has been quite a while since doing so. The only thing to blame is my hesitence in getting out there and experiencing things and meeting new people. I tended to stay at home glued to my computer most of the time for the past 3 years. I was only socializing with people via internet forums, places I went to for support for various things and the like. Now, I have made wonderful friendships in doing this, but I also need friends that I can actually spend physical time with. Studies have shown that just being in the presence of a friend or family or whatnot can decrease your blood pressure and help your health overall. Cool huh?

Some of my recent friendships are a result of my joining a website called Meetup.com. Someone had suggested the site to me in late 2009 and I was reluctant to try it for quite a while. I guess I saw it as something that would be considered kind of pathetic to need. Nope, not at all. In a larger city like this where I am not in a school atmosphere, meeting new people is rather difficult. Sure, you could possibly strike up a conversation with a neighbor, a fellow public transit user, or maybe a co-worker, but those are not always guarantees. With Meetup.com, you are already connected to people through an interest or two, so the relationship can feel comfortable quickly.


I challenge you to give it a try if you find yourself more often than not wanting to be able to do things with people more often.

I guess in summary I have learned a lot about friendships and what I have learned will pay off for sure.

Beer and Ales

Recently I have been trying to find a really good Pumpkin beer or ale. I adore pumpkin in general so when I can find something that is flavored with pumpkin, I am always happy. On my third beer/ale attempt, I found it. I bought some Smuttynose Pumpkin but found that it really didn't have much of a pumpkin flavor. I tried Samuel Adams' Pumpkin Spice but I really didn't taste any pumpkin at all. Finally, I tried Shipyard's Pumpkin Ale. Oh my! SO good. The pumpkin can be tasted but isn't overwhelming and it is smooth. Now I know why it was sold out at the liquor store I ventured to.

Has anyone out there ever had Xingu? It is my favorite beer by far. It is a Brazilian black beer but it isn't heavy and overpowering as most dark beer can be. If you can, give it a try. Everyone I have introduced to it loved it...even my Grandma who is more of a liquor drinker than a beer drinker. I can't remember how I came upon it to be honest though. Hmm. Oh well. To find Xingu in your area, you can go to their website here (though I cannot seem to get the site to come up at the moment.)

What is your favorite beer or ale?

Right now my mind is whirling. A few things that are on my mind and plaguing my thoughts:

- I made a fool of myself Saturday night. I went out with a friend and her friend and I drank a ridiculous amount and ended up wasted.
- I have destroyed friendships, and I am not sure if I will be forgiven by them or by myself. I am tired of doing this. It is also reinforcing my thoughts that I am a toxic person to be friends with.
- I am nervous about things that are coming up this month.
- My urges to self-destruct are high.

There are some good things that I am trying to remember though.

- I am doing pretty well at improving things with my current job.
- I have an amazing treatment team. I am actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my nutritionist today and my therapist on Wednesday.
- I still have some friends, and I am going to try not to lose them.
- My financial situation might be improving.


I don't know.

I have thought about updating this blog several times over the past few days but I hadn't done anything about it. I have been somewhat quiet in general I guess. I am going to try to update this more often. I know, I know, I have said that before. Maybe I can challenge myself to at least write a sentence or two about each day.