Must Fight The Grrrs!

Yeah, it was another stressful day for me...and it isn't even 5pm yet.

This morning my well thought-out plan to get to the training location early failed. While I had things ready, and figured out what bus to take and hoe early I would need to wake up, I failed to correct the alarm. *facepalm* I somehow made it to the bus stop on time though. I was excited that I might not have fucked up! Wrong. When I got to the bus stop, I noticed that there was no one else there. That kind of freaked me out. I saw a guy smoking in a nearby parking lot and asked if the bus had already come by. He said no. So I waiting. 10 minutes passed and there still was no bus. This freaked me out and I needed to try to "fix" it all! So, I ran to a bus stop that would be picking up soon. No show. I decided to re-Google the fastest route to get there. Google said that the absolute earliest I could get to my destination using public transit was to take another bus from route of the first bus I waited because it was coming in 5 minutes. I was a minute walk away so that was fine. Google also said that I wouldn't make it to my destination until 9:05 though. *sigh*

The bus was late. Really late. 20 minutes. It seems like no matter what bus route I choose, I end up getting screwed by MBTA.

I got to the training around 9:15. NOT GOOD. As I stated in my last post, I am already on thin ice with them. One co-worker said that to me and didn't respond to me at all when I replied.

My therapist thinks that maybe I am doing this on purpose. I am not so sure that this is the case, but I am open to it being a possibility. Sometimes the dread of going into work keeps me planted in bed. Sometimes it is the motivation to even try to do anything I just end up sitting and spacing out. Sometimes some of my compulsive behaviors slow me down for up to a half hour. I will admit, sometimes I just want to see if I can get in just a little more sleep and make it. Several times though, I truly want to get there on time and not be that "trouble" employee. I am tired of looking so irresponsible and feeling so guilty. Maybe I am though.

No matter what the reasons behind my issues causing friction at work, I am afraid of being jobless. I need to be more proactive in my job hunt. I need a new job. I need to find a job that meets some of my interests and will inspire me, even just a little. I think a job in the music, movie, art, or animal fields will be good for me.

This evening I leave for my trip for my Grandma's 90th birthday. How awesome is that?! We are not really that close (she totally doesn't get my style, ha ha) but I think she is still amazing. She is doing well. At the party, I will get to see some family I haven't seen in over a decade. The party will be very anxiety-provoking though. So many people and no structure around meals are going to be some triggers for me. I made sure I packed my PRN though.

There are a couple of things I am really looking forward to on this trip. One is the hugging. I so rarely get hugs here. In fact, I think the last hug I had was with a friend that I am not really on good terms with now and that was in June or May. I also have to admit that sometimes I really just want a hug, but not from just anyone.

Another thing I am looking forward to is getting to spend some time with my Mom and Sister. I haven't seen either of them since December. I am hoping that the trip will bring some good family memories and laughs, and that it is as stress-free as possible.

On a completely unrelated topic. Someone (I don't know who though) really pissed me off today. I was trying to make sure that I would get in all of my exchanges today so yesterday I placed some leftover seaweed salad I had bought in the fridge. I went to go consume it though, and it was not there. I really was looking forward to it too. How fucking inconsiderate! Apparently people in the training who have worked in that location before acted like I should have known, and laughed it off. I guess if it didn't make me anxious and derail me a little, I would have thought it was just annoying instead of being totally GRR about it.

Right now I am struggling, and it is so hard for me to push myself in making the necessary exchanges meal-wise. So, something like my veggie exchange disappearing can have me overreact a little I guess. I am about to make up for it though by having both a veggie and a fruit for my snack.