Just Typing

I have a little bit to type before my therapy appointment. What do I want to say? Well, I am going to start with one thing on my mind at the moment and we will see from there.

My anxiety has increased to a large degree the past week. I have had a couple of panic attacks even. I am not used to having those often. Some of this weeks' events would naturally increase my anxiety, but others? Not so much. It is kind of scaring me.

I am realizing that the ADD med I am on isn't working for me. I guess I am at a high dose but I am still unable to focus and am eaily distracted and such.

Facebook can be evil. It can remind you of people and events that hurt to remember now, even though they brought joy at one point. I am letting her make the first move. If no movement has been made by the end of March, I will try to talk to her again I guess. If I can wait that long. Maybe November? I don't know. So many laughs and good memories are attached to that friendship. I am hoping it isn't over forever.

Even right now, I have already taken an Ativan yet my nerves are off the charts. My anxiety is so high that I keep losing my breath and I keep tearing up some. I don't know what to do.

I am annoyed by a new TV show on Bravo called Thintervention. UGH. I don't even want to get into it.

So far today I have had a strong urge to restrict. I fought it though and ate my breakfast/snack combo.

Last night I bought seven pairs of pants for work. I am not sure why I am stocking up for a job I might lose soon. I need the pants though. Most of my current ones fall down or look ridiculously baggy.

Still anxious.

Sandpapery

That is how my day was: sandpapery. In other words, it was insanely hard and still is. I have been struggling today. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. I hate crying, I hate crying in the vicinity of others even more.

But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.

The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.

Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.

Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.

I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places.  I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)

So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!