I have a little bit to type before my therapy appointment. What do I want to say? Well, I am going to start with one thing on my mind at the moment and we will see from there.
My anxiety has increased to a large degree the past week. I have had a couple of panic attacks even. I am not used to having those often. Some of this weeks' events would naturally increase my anxiety, but others? Not so much. It is kind of scaring me.
I am realizing that the ADD med I am on isn't working for me. I guess I am at a high dose but I am still unable to focus and am eaily distracted and such.
Facebook can be evil. It can remind you of people and events that hurt to remember now, even though they brought joy at one point. I am letting her make the first move. If no movement has been made by the end of March, I will try to talk to her again I guess. If I can wait that long. Maybe November? I don't know. So many laughs and good memories are attached to that friendship. I am hoping it isn't over forever.
Even right now, I have already taken an Ativan yet my nerves are off the charts. My anxiety is so high that I keep losing my breath and I keep tearing up some. I don't know what to do.
I am annoyed by a new TV show on Bravo called Thintervention. UGH. I don't even want to get into it.
So far today I have had a strong urge to restrict. I fought it though and ate my breakfast/snack combo.
Last night I bought seven pairs of pants for work. I am not sure why I am stocking up for a job I might lose soon. I need the pants though. Most of my current ones fall down or look ridiculously baggy.
Still anxious.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sandpapery
That is how my day was: sandpapery. In other words, it was insanely hard and still is. I have been struggling today. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. I hate crying, I hate crying in the vicinity of others even more.
But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.
The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.
Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.
Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.
I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places. I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)
So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!
But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.
The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.
Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.
Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.
I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places. I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)
So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Not So Upbeat
Last night and today have been horrible. So yeah, this post will not be a positive one. In fact, it is basically me whining. So, I will understand if no one reads this.
Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!
I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.
After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.
This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.
Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.
The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.
Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.
* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.
Okay, back to the trials of the day.
The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!
We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.
We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.
I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*
So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.
I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.
Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!
I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.
After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.
This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.
Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.
The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.
Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.
* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.
Okay, back to the trials of the day.
The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!
We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.
We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.
I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*
So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.
I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.
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