General Update

I have meant to be better about updating my journal but so far I have not really done that well at it. I am going to continue to try to write more frequently though.

One reason it has been so long is that things have not been all that fabulous. I have been stressed, sad, anxious, and could be doing better recovery-wise as well. Not all of my update will be depressing stuff though, I am going to talk about good things as well.

The last two weeks have gone downhill as far as my going to bed on time, getting enough sleep, eating according to my meal plan, and eating on time goes. I am working on it though. My nutritionist and therapist haven't given up on me, so I know I am not a total lost cause, ha ha.

The inconsistent sleep routine has made an impact on my workweek though. Yep, you guessed it, I have been late on a few occasions this week. Not good. I also have a new cubicle neighbor. She is driving me crazy. I think I might have to start wearing headphones at my desk or something. She asks the most ridiculous questions. She knows the answers too, I think she is just trying to test me which gets on my nerves.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself into a mess. I went out with a couple of friends and got extremely drunk. I will black out on occasion when this happens. This is one of those times. I hung out with my friends a few days later and found out some odd things I did. I apparently hyperventilated and had a panic attack in the cab on the way home. I was also apparently not present. Meaning, I was in my head. I don't know, there were a lot of actions that concern me from that night. I am going to try to limit my drinking. On most nights 2 drinks max, on rare occasions, up to 4.

Okay, onto the good stuff...

I have had the opportunity to see a couple of screenings of movies before they officially came to theaters. I saw It's Kind of a Funny Story a few weeks ago and also saw Conviction. Both were excellent! I recommend seeing them. Tomorrow morning I am going to see a screening of Megamind! I am excited about that. I will be seeing Morning Glory next week as well. Yay for free movies! Ha ha!

I have gone to a few Meetups since the last post also. I have played more cards, learned how to play Bridge, and gone bowling a couple of times. Good stuff. The next week or two I am busy as hell. Most of it is good stuff though, so it should be more fun than stressful.

That is all for now!

Right now my mind is whirling. A few things that are on my mind and plaguing my thoughts:

- I made a fool of myself Saturday night. I went out with a friend and her friend and I drank a ridiculous amount and ended up wasted.
- I have destroyed friendships, and I am not sure if I will be forgiven by them or by myself. I am tired of doing this. It is also reinforcing my thoughts that I am a toxic person to be friends with.
- I am nervous about things that are coming up this month.
- My urges to self-destruct are high.

There are some good things that I am trying to remember though.

- I am doing pretty well at improving things with my current job.
- I have an amazing treatment team. I am actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my nutritionist today and my therapist on Wednesday.
- I still have some friends, and I am going to try not to lose them.
- My financial situation might be improving.


I don't know.

I have thought about updating this blog several times over the past few days but I hadn't done anything about it. I have been somewhat quiet in general I guess. I am going to try to update this more often. I know, I know, I have said that before. Maybe I can challenge myself to at least write a sentence or two about each day.

Just Typing

I have a little bit to type before my therapy appointment. What do I want to say? Well, I am going to start with one thing on my mind at the moment and we will see from there.

My anxiety has increased to a large degree the past week. I have had a couple of panic attacks even. I am not used to having those often. Some of this weeks' events would naturally increase my anxiety, but others? Not so much. It is kind of scaring me.

I am realizing that the ADD med I am on isn't working for me. I guess I am at a high dose but I am still unable to focus and am eaily distracted and such.

Facebook can be evil. It can remind you of people and events that hurt to remember now, even though they brought joy at one point. I am letting her make the first move. If no movement has been made by the end of March, I will try to talk to her again I guess. If I can wait that long. Maybe November? I don't know. So many laughs and good memories are attached to that friendship. I am hoping it isn't over forever.

Even right now, I have already taken an Ativan yet my nerves are off the charts. My anxiety is so high that I keep losing my breath and I keep tearing up some. I don't know what to do.

I am annoyed by a new TV show on Bravo called Thintervention. UGH. I don't even want to get into it.

So far today I have had a strong urge to restrict. I fought it though and ate my breakfast/snack combo.

Last night I bought seven pairs of pants for work. I am not sure why I am stocking up for a job I might lose soon. I need the pants though. Most of my current ones fall down or look ridiculously baggy.

Still anxious.

Sandpapery

That is how my day was: sandpapery. In other words, it was insanely hard and still is. I have been struggling today. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. I hate crying, I hate crying in the vicinity of others even more.

But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.

The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.

Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.

Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.

I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places.  I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)

So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!

Not So Upbeat

Last night and today have been horrible. So yeah, this post will not be a positive one. In fact, it is basically me whining. So, I will understand if no one reads this.

Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!

I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.

After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.

This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.

Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.

The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.

Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.

* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.

Okay, back to the trials of the day.

The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!

We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.

We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.

I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*

So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.

I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.

The Weekend

* originally written on 08/16/2010

The past few days have been rather rough. Thursday through today have been hard food-wise but then other things have been rather difficult as well. My sleep has been very off. I am the reason to blame for this. I know that and I am working on making it better. I am also working on making the food situation better as well. I do not want to lose control again. I do not want this in my life anymore.

Thursday was a rather ballsy day for me. I ran late to work and as I got to one of the subway stations, I saw a woman taking all the copies of a certain free magazine out and tearing off the back of the magazine which showed a restaurant ad. I HAD to know the reason for this so I asked. She started to answer but then looked at me and realized I was just some random woman wanting to know so she stopped herself mid answer and simply said, "Have a good day." I asked if she was hoping to see the restaurant fail or something and she repeated to have a nice day. So, when I got to one of the ticket windows, I let security know. He he! I mean really? Chances are that the restaurant that paid to place their ad in that magazine probably would not have appreciated this crazy woman's actions. Maybe I overreacted but oh well, what's done is done.

As, approached my office building, I saw two co-workers headed out to get some coffee on their break. One of them has been constantly talking about my weightloss. She stopped and said hello and then said, "Wow! Look at you! You have lost so much weight! (Not true by the way.) If you keep it up there won't be any of you left! What's your secret?" My response? "Having an eating disorder." I walked away after saying that. One of them laughed so she probably thought I was making a joke, but really, I just don't care anymore.

While a co-worker and I were debating about various things (we debate often and it is kind of fun for both of us,) we came to the subject of Michelle Obama. I mentioned her "fight against obesity in children" and voiced my annoyances with the actions being taken. My co-worker then brought up the fact that weight can go extreme in the other direction as well (duh.) She said, "Several years ago eating disorders were pretty high in number, but I don't think it is as much of a problem now." I naturally made some kind of face and she asked why. I simply pointed to myself and she knew what I was saying. We didn't keep on the subject though, we moved on which was good.

There isn't much to report about Friday but the same cannot be said for today and over the weekend.

Saturday I slept very late and had a hard time finding the motivation to do what I needed to do in order to treat myself well. I thought about going to a church to play Bingo (he he) so that got me moving eventually. I made it to the church on time and was SO lost about what was going on! I had only played Bingo online really so this was a whole new experience. You had to pay in order to play since there were cash awards being given. So yeah, $20 later, ha ha. Oh well. I did have some fun except for a rather annoying guy who wouldn't leave me alone. He kept thinking he was "helping" me...ugh. Anyway, on one of the games where the prize was $500, I was ONE number away! Ack! It was a blackout game (meaning you had to get every number on that card to win.) There will be another time though. And just so you know, I wasn't the only young person there. There was a couple in their early twenties there as well. Here is a picture from that night:

I ended up walking for a while after the game (which ended at 10!) I was talking with my Mom on the phone when my cell phone battery died. I was a few minutes walk from home so I couldn't call her right back right away. I came to my apartment and plugged the phone into the charger and went to relax on my computer. I had my phone on vibrate so I didn't hear my Mom calling me...4 times. Oops. I caught it the last time and called her back. She was so worried that something had happened to me.

Sunday I had two different meet-ups scheduled (through Meetup.com.) I was supposed to have brunch with one group at 11am and then meet up at the Esplanade for another that started at noon. Well, it didn't exactly work out that way. I ended up getting exceedingly lost. For some odd reason my brain just would not function at a decent level at all. I finally got there at 11:30am and looked around but I didn't see the people I was supposed to meet. I decided to sit down and eat something alone even though my mind told me just to use this as an excuse to restrict. Nope. So as I was waiting for a waitress to come take my order, a woman I recognized from the group's website asked if I was Karen (Kaz.) I joined her and a guy at another table. We chatted for a bit. I am honestly not sure how I feel about the group just yet. Time will tell.

I was late leaving that group to head to my other group. I ended up leaving the cafe at 1 and the second meetup started at 12. I thought it would be alright though. I walked to the subway and saw that there was a car waiting so I quickly hopped in it. A woman there informed me that the car had not moved in quite a while. I was a little discouraged but sometimes these things happen and are taken care of rather quickly. Nope. We were told to leave the car and that there would be no service on that line. An employee of the transit system was offering directions for individuals trying to get to various places. I asked how to get to the nearest station and he told me. Well...that is what I thought. I walked for about 3 hours with his lousy directions. I never saw either of the 2 stations he mentioned. I actually did find another station though. I ended up getting to the event around 4:15. Thankfully, the group was still there. I stayed and had a good time until about 8. There was one incident that put a damper on my mood though. I was wearing shorts (something I NEVER do but since the weather was going to be somewhat hot and humid and I knew I would be outside I did) and a guy saw some scars on my calf. These scars were self-inflicted. He asked me how I got them. He asked if a cat attacked me or something. To that I simply replied no and went back to what I was saying before. After a couple of minutes he said he would really like to know about the scars. I told him I did not want to discuss it. I was scared to say that and afraid that he would continue to press the issue but thankfully it was dropped and I soon joined some other folks.

So yeah, super long post. I know.

Far Too Long

It has been too long since my last update and I apologize for that. I have much to update.

First, some of you might not be aware of this but I suffer from an eating disorder. It has gone through better and worse shifts but it has been there for years. About a month ago I started treatment for it in the way of an intensive outpatient group at a local facility. As it turns out, soon it will be time for me to leave the group. Do I feel that I am ready? No, not really. But, I am going to get a nutritionist so that I can maybe get myself into a more stable place. Will all be "fixed" after that? Nope. Recovery is a work in progress...I just have to keep working for now. Some days are much easier than others, some days seem impossible but aren't really.

In other news, I am roommate hunting. Ha ha! My past roommate moved out in mid January and I need someone to replace her. I have been putting ads in Craigslist but the room still is unrented as of yet. I might repost after writing this, actually...

Phoebe is 100% again. :) It is so good to have her healthy again. I was so worried while she was sick, and while I am still paying off her vet bills, I can finally take a deep breath knowing that she is safe.

I am teaching myself how to knit! Shocking huh?! So far, I can only do a few rows but that isn;t too bad for a couple of days in! I am going to get myself some better starter yarn and then see where I can go with this. I think it would be awesome to be able to make things like scarves and such!

This weekend I am going to see ROLLER DERBY! Woohoo! I am so glad that it has started again. :) It is the opening bout and I am definitely ready for it. There is someone in my recovery group that might join me for future bouts too. It will be good not to be there alone.

For my Birthday (not until the 3rd) I bought myself a new camera. *sigh* I love it. I will have to post some pictures as soon as I can. (Which means later tonight or tomorrow since I am at work at the moment.) I needed a new one, so lets hope I have lots of new adventures to take pictures of!