Not So Upbeat

Last night and today have been horrible. So yeah, this post will not be a positive one. In fact, it is basically me whining. So, I will understand if no one reads this.

Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!

I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.

After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.

This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.

Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.

The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.

Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.

* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.

Okay, back to the trials of the day.

The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!

We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.

We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.

I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*

So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.

I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.

Far Too Long

It has been too long since my last update and I apologize for that. I have much to update.

First, some of you might not be aware of this but I suffer from an eating disorder. It has gone through better and worse shifts but it has been there for years. About a month ago I started treatment for it in the way of an intensive outpatient group at a local facility. As it turns out, soon it will be time for me to leave the group. Do I feel that I am ready? No, not really. But, I am going to get a nutritionist so that I can maybe get myself into a more stable place. Will all be "fixed" after that? Nope. Recovery is a work in progress...I just have to keep working for now. Some days are much easier than others, some days seem impossible but aren't really.

In other news, I am roommate hunting. Ha ha! My past roommate moved out in mid January and I need someone to replace her. I have been putting ads in Craigslist but the room still is unrented as of yet. I might repost after writing this, actually...

Phoebe is 100% again. :) It is so good to have her healthy again. I was so worried while she was sick, and while I am still paying off her vet bills, I can finally take a deep breath knowing that she is safe.

I am teaching myself how to knit! Shocking huh?! So far, I can only do a few rows but that isn;t too bad for a couple of days in! I am going to get myself some better starter yarn and then see where I can go with this. I think it would be awesome to be able to make things like scarves and such!

This weekend I am going to see ROLLER DERBY! Woohoo! I am so glad that it has started again. :) It is the opening bout and I am definitely ready for it. There is someone in my recovery group that might join me for future bouts too. It will be good not to be there alone.

For my Birthday (not until the 3rd) I bought myself a new camera. *sigh* I love it. I will have to post some pictures as soon as I can. (Which means later tonight or tomorrow since I am at work at the moment.) I needed a new one, so lets hope I have lots of new adventures to take pictures of!