Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Change


I have been posting less and less in here. I am thinking one of the reasons is because I am not wanting to post recovery, ED, or depression-oriented posts here. I feel like this blog should instead be about the random things in my life.

That being said, I realize that maybe some people who venture here actually care about that kind of thing, so, if that is the case, send me a message and let me know. I will then give you the new address of my recovery blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

General Update

I have meant to be better about updating my journal but so far I have not really done that well at it. I am going to continue to try to write more frequently though.

One reason it has been so long is that things have not been all that fabulous. I have been stressed, sad, anxious, and could be doing better recovery-wise as well. Not all of my update will be depressing stuff though, I am going to talk about good things as well.

The last two weeks have gone downhill as far as my going to bed on time, getting enough sleep, eating according to my meal plan, and eating on time goes. I am working on it though. My nutritionist and therapist haven't given up on me, so I know I am not a total lost cause, ha ha.

The inconsistent sleep routine has made an impact on my workweek though. Yep, you guessed it, I have been late on a few occasions this week. Not good. I also have a new cubicle neighbor. She is driving me crazy. I think I might have to start wearing headphones at my desk or something. She asks the most ridiculous questions. She knows the answers too, I think she is just trying to test me which gets on my nerves.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself into a mess. I went out with a couple of friends and got extremely drunk. I will black out on occasion when this happens. This is one of those times. I hung out with my friends a few days later and found out some odd things I did. I apparently hyperventilated and had a panic attack in the cab on the way home. I was also apparently not present. Meaning, I was in my head. I don't know, there were a lot of actions that concern me from that night. I am going to try to limit my drinking. On most nights 2 drinks max, on rare occasions, up to 4.

Okay, onto the good stuff...

I have had the opportunity to see a couple of screenings of movies before they officially came to theaters. I saw It's Kind of a Funny Story a few weeks ago and also saw Conviction. Both were excellent! I recommend seeing them. Tomorrow morning I am going to see a screening of Megamind! I am excited about that. I will be seeing Morning Glory next week as well. Yay for free movies! Ha ha!

I have gone to a few Meetups since the last post also. I have played more cards, learned how to play Bridge, and gone bowling a couple of times. Good stuff. The next week or two I am busy as hell. Most of it is good stuff though, so it should be more fun than stressful.

That is all for now!

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Town

Last night I went to see the movie The Town with a couple of friends. I wasn't really sure what to expect and I hadn't really heard anything about it from any friends or anything. Since I am in the Boston area and the movie is about the area of Boston called Charlestown, the audience reacted to a few things that I am sure the other viewers would not.

For example, the opening of the movie features various facts about Charlestown that are not exactly brag-worthy, ha ha. The audience in Boston snickered at these facts while I am sure most of the average viewers would just find them kind of astonishing or interesting, maybe even a little disturbing.

The movie had me in suspense many times and took a few surprising turns. So it turns out that Ben Afleck is not only a decent actor but also a decent director and helped with the screenplay as well.

It was exciting to see places I have seen in the area and to recognize sites. My work building was in a few aerial shots as well, which kicked ass to see. My one issue is that some of the locations were supposed to be in Charlestown but were actually in the Southie area of Boston. But, I guess that has to happen sometimes depending on permits and such. The friends I went with were from Southie so they pointed these facts out to me, otherwise I wouldn't have known.

I will be adding this movie to my collection, not only because it takes place in Boston and shows common areas, but also because it is just a damn good movie. I hope some of you check it out and let me know what you think.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thoughts on Past (and Some Present) Relationships

A few events from this year have led me to think about my past and present relationships. Throughout the years, friends and significant others have come in and drifted out of my life, some temporarily and some permanently. I have always been the type to blame myself for everything that might have gone wrong in these relationships. I have come to determine that I am just a "toxic" person or that I am just not able to be socially acceptable. In thinking about this more I am seeing that maybe I am not toxic at all, maybe I just have not shared an equal relationship with some of these people. I tend to be a rather big giver in relationships. I don't seem to have a problem with giving my friends things that some might see as a bit much. I have always considered myself a loyal friend - a friend that can be counted on when needed and supportive in general. I am realizing that I sometimes make the relationship strained in doing things like this.

I was talking to my Mom last night and it seems that she has done similar things with friendships in the past as well. She explained it in a way I understood and I have been reflecting on it ever since. She said that instead of the relationship being 50/50, I tend to make it more like 75/25. I can put stress on the relationship and other person by doing things like this.

While I know that some of my ended relationships can't and won't be amended, I am hoping that maybe some can be. I know, however, that I will use this realization in making present and future relationships better.

As far as new friends go, I am actually making some, ha ha. It has been quite a while since doing so. The only thing to blame is my hesitence in getting out there and experiencing things and meeting new people. I tended to stay at home glued to my computer most of the time for the past 3 years. I was only socializing with people via internet forums, places I went to for support for various things and the like. Now, I have made wonderful friendships in doing this, but I also need friends that I can actually spend physical time with. Studies have shown that just being in the presence of a friend or family or whatnot can decrease your blood pressure and help your health overall. Cool huh?

Some of my recent friendships are a result of my joining a website called Someone had suggested the site to me in late 2009 and I was reluctant to try it for quite a while. I guess I saw it as something that would be considered kind of pathetic to need. Nope, not at all. In a larger city like this where I am not in a school atmosphere, meeting new people is rather difficult. Sure, you could possibly strike up a conversation with a neighbor, a fellow public transit user, or maybe a co-worker, but those are not always guarantees. With, you are already connected to people through an interest or two, so the relationship can feel comfortable quickly.

I challenge you to give it a try if you find yourself more often than not wanting to be able to do things with people more often.

I guess in summary I have learned a lot about friendships and what I have learned will pay off for sure.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Beer and Ales

Recently I have been trying to find a really good Pumpkin beer or ale. I adore pumpkin in general so when I can find something that is flavored with pumpkin, I am always happy. On my third beer/ale attempt, I found it. I bought some Smuttynose Pumpkin but found that it really didn't have much of a pumpkin flavor. I tried Samuel Adams' Pumpkin Spice but I really didn't taste any pumpkin at all. Finally, I tried Shipyard's Pumpkin Ale. Oh my! SO good. The pumpkin can be tasted but isn't overwhelming and it is smooth. Now I know why it was sold out at the liquor store I ventured to.

Has anyone out there ever had Xingu? It is my favorite beer by far. It is a Brazilian black beer but it isn't heavy and overpowering as most dark beer can be. If you can, give it a try. Everyone I have introduced to it loved it...even my Grandma who is more of a liquor drinker than a beer drinker. I can't remember how I came upon it to be honest though. Hmm. Oh well. To find Xingu in your area, you can go to their website here (though I cannot seem to get the site to come up at the moment.)

What is your favorite beer or ale?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Right now my mind is whirling. A few things that are on my mind and plaguing my thoughts:

- I made a fool of myself Saturday night. I went out with a friend and her friend and I drank a ridiculous amount and ended up wasted.
- I have destroyed friendships, and I am not sure if I will be forgiven by them or by myself. I am tired of doing this. It is also reinforcing my thoughts that I am a toxic person to be friends with.
- I am nervous about things that are coming up this month.
- My urges to self-destruct are high.

There are some good things that I am trying to remember though.

- I am doing pretty well at improving things with my current job.
- I have an amazing treatment team. I am actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my nutritionist today and my therapist on Wednesday.
- I still have some friends, and I am going to try not to lose them.
- My financial situation might be improving.

I don't know.

I have thought about updating this blog several times over the past few days but I hadn't done anything about it. I have been somewhat quiet in general I guess. I am going to try to update this more often. I know, I know, I have said that before. Maybe I can challenge myself to at least write a sentence or two about each day.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Just Typing

I have a little bit to type before my therapy appointment. What do I want to say? Well, I am going to start with one thing on my mind at the moment and we will see from there.

My anxiety has increased to a large degree the past week. I have had a couple of panic attacks even. I am not used to having those often. Some of this weeks' events would naturally increase my anxiety, but others? Not so much. It is kind of scaring me.

I am realizing that the ADD med I am on isn't working for me. I guess I am at a high dose but I am still unable to focus and am eaily distracted and such.

Facebook can be evil. It can remind you of people and events that hurt to remember now, even though they brought joy at one point. I am letting her make the first move. If no movement has been made by the end of March, I will try to talk to her again I guess. If I can wait that long. Maybe November? I don't know. So many laughs and good memories are attached to that friendship. I am hoping it isn't over forever.

Even right now, I have already taken an Ativan yet my nerves are off the charts. My anxiety is so high that I keep losing my breath and I keep tearing up some. I don't know what to do.

I am annoyed by a new TV show on Bravo called Thintervention. UGH. I don't even want to get into it.

So far today I have had a strong urge to restrict. I fought it though and ate my breakfast/snack combo.

Last night I bought seven pairs of pants for work. I am not sure why I am stocking up for a job I might lose soon. I need the pants though. Most of my current ones fall down or look ridiculously baggy.

Still anxious.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


That is how my day was: sandpapery. In other words, it was insanely hard and still is. I have been struggling today. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. I hate crying, I hate crying in the vicinity of others even more.

But yeah, today brought tears and intense anxiety. Work, friends, food, lack of control, people, and other things made today extremely difficult.

The work thing I am doing my best at. I just hope it is good enough. I also hope I do not sabatage myself which is the case sometimes.

Friends. I have a few on my mind at present. One of whom is a recent former friend. Does that even make sense? She was a friend and then she decided to end the friendship. Anyway. I have been thinking about her a lot. I really wish we could become friends again. I had good times with her. Of course there were complications...what relationship is without any complications? I guess she ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I disagree. It hurts so much and I want to reach out to her so badly. I want to write, text, email, or call her. I want to know how she is doing. We met when both of us were struggling and not doing all that well. Our friendship got rocky when we both decided to get better. It ultimately ended there too. So yes, I want to know if she is doing alright. I want to see if we could get together or talk or something. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think that we could easily have a friendship outside of our illnesses. So that friend has been on my mind. It doesn't help that Facebook keeps asking me to reconnect with her.

Food. I tanked last week. Well, maybe the last 2 weeks. I completely turned it around by the end of last week though, and I am still going strong. In fact, when I met with my awesome Nutritionist, she said she was proud of how well I was doing! I am still fighting strong urges though. I am hoping they will calm a little in the next few days.

I am not sure why but now that I am home I can't seem to get my mind off of things that are just bringing me down even more. Time to snap out of it. I am NOT going to let my emotions take me to unhealthy places.  I keep feeling tempted to try to "fix" some of the above issues. I cannot "fix" any of them tonight though. Especially not in 3 hours (when I hope to be asleep.)

So. No more dwelling. I have expressed it and now I am moving on from it. Take that ED, Depression, and Anxiety!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Must Fight The Grrrs!

Yeah, it was another stressful day for me...and it isn't even 5pm yet.

This morning my well thought-out plan to get to the training location early failed. While I had things ready, and figured out what bus to take and hoe early I would need to wake up, I failed to correct the alarm. *facepalm* I somehow made it to the bus stop on time though. I was excited that I might not have fucked up! Wrong. When I got to the bus stop, I noticed that there was no one else there. That kind of freaked me out. I saw a guy smoking in a nearby parking lot and asked if the bus had already come by. He said no. So I waiting. 10 minutes passed and there still was no bus. This freaked me out and I needed to try to "fix" it all! So, I ran to a bus stop that would be picking up soon. No show. I decided to re-Google the fastest route to get there. Google said that the absolute earliest I could get to my destination using public transit was to take another bus from route of the first bus I waited because it was coming in 5 minutes. I was a minute walk away so that was fine. Google also said that I wouldn't make it to my destination until 9:05 though. *sigh*

The bus was late. Really late. 20 minutes. It seems like no matter what bus route I choose, I end up getting screwed by MBTA.

I got to the training around 9:15. NOT GOOD. As I stated in my last post, I am already on thin ice with them. One co-worker said that to me and didn't respond to me at all when I replied.

My therapist thinks that maybe I am doing this on purpose. I am not so sure that this is the case, but I am open to it being a possibility. Sometimes the dread of going into work keeps me planted in bed. Sometimes it is the motivation to even try to do anything I just end up sitting and spacing out. Sometimes some of my compulsive behaviors slow me down for up to a half hour. I will admit, sometimes I just want to see if I can get in just a little more sleep and make it. Several times though, I truly want to get there on time and not be that "trouble" employee. I am tired of looking so irresponsible and feeling so guilty. Maybe I am though.

No matter what the reasons behind my issues causing friction at work, I am afraid of being jobless. I need to be more proactive in my job hunt. I need a new job. I need to find a job that meets some of my interests and will inspire me, even just a little. I think a job in the music, movie, art, or animal fields will be good for me.

This evening I leave for my trip for my Grandma's 90th birthday. How awesome is that?! We are not really that close (she totally doesn't get my style, ha ha) but I think she is still amazing. She is doing well. At the party, I will get to see some family I haven't seen in over a decade. The party will be very anxiety-provoking though. So many people and no structure around meals are going to be some triggers for me. I made sure I packed my PRN though.

There are a couple of things I am really looking forward to on this trip. One is the hugging. I so rarely get hugs here. In fact, I think the last hug I had was with a friend that I am not really on good terms with now and that was in June or May. I also have to admit that sometimes I really just want a hug, but not from just anyone.

Another thing I am looking forward to is getting to spend some time with my Mom and Sister. I haven't seen either of them since December. I am hoping that the trip will bring some good family memories and laughs, and that it is as stress-free as possible.

On a completely unrelated topic. Someone (I don't know who though) really pissed me off today. I was trying to make sure that I would get in all of my exchanges today so yesterday I placed some leftover seaweed salad I had bought in the fridge. I went to go consume it though, and it was not there. I really was looking forward to it too. How fucking inconsiderate! Apparently people in the training who have worked in that location before acted like I should have known, and laughed it off. I guess if it didn't make me anxious and derail me a little, I would have thought it was just annoying instead of being totally GRR about it.

Right now I am struggling, and it is so hard for me to push myself in making the necessary exchanges meal-wise. So, something like my veggie exchange disappearing can have me overreact a little I guess. I am about to make up for it though by having both a veggie and a fruit for my snack.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Not So Upbeat

Last night and today have been horrible. So yeah, this post will not be a positive one. In fact, it is basically me whining. So, I will understand if no one reads this.

Last night I got home at 9pm. I decided to eat an Amy's frozen pizza. I turned on my over for the first time since my move into this apartment. *Que smoke detector even though there was no smoke or fire.* Vigorously fanning with a towel would help and silence the alarm for a minute. but then the anxiety-provoking shrieks would return. While freaking out and dealing with massive anxiety, I managed to put the pizza in the oven, hoping it would get better then. Nope. I figured it would only take 10 minutes to cook so I thought that I could continue fanning and get the alarm to stop. Wrong. At this point I was feeling out of breath, I was crying, and on the verge of collapsing due to the exhaustion from fanning as hard as I could. I ran and got the pizza out from the oven even though it was supposed to stay in there for a little longer. I ran back to the alarm, still in a panic. Someone knocked on the door to see if things were okay. I answered that I was fine but could get the machine to shut up. After that I was beyond panicking, actually having a panic attack, and I took the towel and hit the alarm. Thankfully, the towel hit the smoke detector and it fell to the floor. SILENCE AT LAST!

I broke down. I continued having the panic attack. I couldn't breathe or catch my breath. I was shaking. I was crying. I was unsteady. I managed to get myself to the couch and sat there freaking out. I took a PRN and waited for it to kick in. Tears were still flowing and I was still breathing hard and out of breath. The pizza waited. Once the PRN kicked in and I was calm enough, I went back into the kitchen. My original plan for dinner was to eat a serving of the pizza to meat my grain, dairy, and fat exchanges, and then eat some fruit and veggies as well. Nope. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I instead just ate half of the pizza. It was a smallish pizza so it wasn't insanely intimidating, though I was still freaked out by it.

After eating the pizza I went back to sit down to rest. I needed to take a shower, get a snack, and set my alarm for work in the morning but I apparently fell asleep, not getting any of those tasks completed.

This brought on my sleeping until 8:30am. I was supposed to be in training at 8:30am. Shit. I quickly got dressed and investigated what bus or mode of transportation would get me there quickly. The result was a bus half of a block away that leaves at 8:40. It was 8:38. I ran to the stop and got there at 8:42. I was petrified that I had missed it. Nope. As it turns out a huge line of people were waiting for the bus. It appeared to be running a little late. I told myself that it was okay. That I would still get there around 9:30am. I, with a large number of others, waited. And waited. And waited. At this point it was 9:00am. Where the hell was the bus?! I looked on MBTA's website to see if there were any alerts or announcements. There were some of other buses, but none for the bus I was taking.

Finally at 9:20am, the bus arrived. I knew at this point I was in serious trouble* (more details below.) I tried to just focus on getting there instead of focusing on the mistakes I had made. I got to my connection with the subway and within seconds of stepping off the bus, I fell. Splat. Yes, it hurt. I still got up and went to catch the subway. I was trying to calm myself down by doing a crossword puzzle. I was looking up at the stops to see whether I needed to get off or not. Somehow, even though I was checking, I missed my stop. Off the subway I went. After waiting for a few minutes, a subway going in the opposite direction came and I hopped on. This time I stood at the door the entire time, ready to bolt out. I got to my stop and then picked up my final mode of transit, another bus. The bus got me to the correct location finally.

The trouble didn't stop there though. I got to the correct building but I had no idea where to go from there. There was an information desk but no one was there. I walked over to it in hopes that someone would appear shortly and saw that there was a phone to use for information. I talked with someone explaining that I had no idea where my training was. She told me how to get through the first door. Yep. Multiple doors on the way to my training session.

Once I got through the first door, I continued until I saw someone at the "reception" area. I showed him my information and was let through the second door. He didn't know how to get me through a third door though. He said that you had to have a key to it and he wasn't sure where anyone was. *facepalm* He told me how to get to the third door though and told me just to wait there. I traveled to the third door and thankfully someone with the keys was approaching. He let me in and showed me where the training was being held. He mentioned that I should sit in the back so I don't make a "grand" entrance. That was my plan. Denied. The one seat open in the room was in the front row. I had to pass every single person (including my supervisor) to get to my seat. The instructor even said something about me finally making it. UGH.

* To explain about the "being in serious trouble" thing, I have had a lot of things happen the past few months. I went on FMLA status (Family Medical Leave Act) and had actually drained it. During my 6 weeks away, I was not getting paid, at all. When I finally came back to work, I kept hitting bumps in the road. I didn't have any leave saved. I kept running into issues though, causing me to miss times at work. Oversleeping, depression, and doctors' appointments were and are the main reasons. At this point, unless I have the hours to cover the time I missed, my request for leave is sent to a supervisor in another state to review. They can approve or deny it. At this point if I miss work and do not have the hours to cover it, I am considered AWOL. This means that actions can be taken against me. Since I drained my FMLA leave, I didn't have that safety net. The other day one of the head supervisors here came to talk with me. He said that they have been very generous with their accomodations. He said that they need to be fair and that I cannot keep doing this. In other words, it was implied that actions might be taken now. (One of which includes the loss of the job.) Considering all of my medical issues since I have gotten here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was fired.

Okay, back to the trials of the day.

The training was insanely boring. The instructor leading it was a goofy woman who is really rather clueless. We got a printed out book of slides. The same slides she was showing on the projector screen, and the same slides she was reading word for word. Ahhhh!

We got a lunch break and I knew I needed to eat. Since I had missed my last snack the night before and had missed all of my breakfast and morning snack save 1/2 a bagel, I needed food. I joined the others in their trek to the food options. I ended up with some sushi, seaweed salad, a yogurt, and a juice. Not exactly exchange perfection but it was what I could do. It sure wasn't cheap, all of that cost over $18.

We took a break at 2:30 and I figured I should eat my snack. Oops. Too early. I should have waited until around 3:30. I was realizing this after I had eaten though of course.

I made it through training, got back to work, and I am now eating 2 exchanges that will be taken out of my dinner. Yep, later than planned. This will again set my dinner and snack times for tonight off. *sigh*

So yeah. I am done with the day. After I finish here at the office, I am going home. I need to pack, clean, eat, shower, and eat again. Tomorrow, I try again. Then off I go tomorrow night for a short (weekend) visit to my Grandma's for her 90th birthday.

I really need a break. I don't think this weekend will be a break though. Parties, family, traveling, etc. Not looking good.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Post Party

Last night I went to a friend's housewarming party. It had been quite a while since my last party, since New Year's Eve to be exact. Getting there was an issue though. I wasn't feeling very motivated and was having a hard day battling my eating disorder. I ended up getting there 3 hours late. Not all of that was on me though, the public transit system was to blame for a good hour of it at least.

Anyway, I got there and the party was fun. I only knew the one friend who invited me but everyone was really nice. I will admit I had a few too many Xingu, but happens. He he. I must say that when I see myself behave in certain ways I despise it. I am not sure if others see it like I do though.

Sometimes when I have a little too much alcohol, the next day my blood sugar is shot to hell. Today is such a day. It has been a while since it has happened though. Basically, I just get very faint, shaky, and pale...and for me to be paler...that is a feat, he he.

Anyway, I am just relaxing at the moment, watching some X-Men Evolution cartoons. Later I am hoping to do some exciting things like cleaning and maybe even laundry! What an exciting evening!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

We Have a Winner!

Okay, so based on some responses as well as my own thoughts, I am going to go with the following pair of glasses:

Thank you guys for helping me pick them out!

In other news, I wasn't as productive as I hoped this weekend, but I did get a few things done. I also had fun, which is important as well. Saturday wasn't the best day. I think my depression got the better of me. I barely left my living room and also had a rather difficult time getting myself to eat. Sunday was my funday, ha ha. I went to another Meetup and hung out with a couple of the members afterwards as well.

Monday I had an appointment with my Nutritionist. I hadn't seen her since June. With my time in residential and the partial program, her scheduled filled up rather quickly. This doesn't surprise me though, she is awesome. Since I had the day off it was easier for her to fit me in. It was a kind of rough session. I know there are things I need to work on. Before I knew it my hour was up. Afterwards, I should have just gotten lunch and gone home to start on my to-dos there. Instead, I ran across a book sale. Yep, I bought some even though I probably shouldn't have. Then after lunch I went to look at some more glasses frames. No luck there. Then I went to a jewelry store to shop for some gifts. BOY did I have luck there, ha ha. I ended up buying things for a few people but the most for myself. *blush* I went to a few more places here and there. I bought 2 shirts from a local store called Hootenanny. I also bought some random stuff at Rite-Aid. Jeez. I had no business spending that kind of money. Sunday I also spent some dough on 2 pairs of Crocs. I had never planned on getting Crocs in my life. I was there with my friends (the couple mentioned earlier) though so I hung around and ended up trying a pair on. They looked cute and felt okay so I bought those as well as a pair of flip-flops. The flip-flops are going back. I wore them yesterday and ended up with blisters on my heels. Boooo. They are pretty bad and just kept reforming one on top of another. So yeah, back they go. I am going to see if there is something else I would want to exchange them for. That will happen in the upcoming weekend.

My day Monday started off pretty nicely though. As I was walking to hop on the subway for my appointment, I ran across this interesting sight:

So cute! Two of my all time favorite breeds, a greyhound and a dacshund! Yay! So of course me being me, I stopped to show some love to the doggies. The owner was super friendly and I talked with him for about 10 minutes. I had already been on a tight schedule but how could I pass that up?!

After I finally got home last night, I was bringing in my stuff when my neighbor from across the hall came out of his place. I hadn't met him, so I said hello. His kitty, Spark, came out of the apartment and proceeded to come into mine to check Phoebe out. The two seemed okay I guess. I was a little concerned because of Phoebe's illness from stress from the last kitty she lived with, but she did pretty well. Spark took a tour of my place and when I started to go pick him up to give him back to his owner, he ran under my bed, he he. He eventually came out, and as I was handing him back to his Dad, he growled. I am thinking maybe he was mad that he had to leave, ha ha. That is just a guess though.

So today I am meeting with my meetup group again, ha ha. When I get home tonight, I am hoping to organize some things. Slowly but surely my place will get clean once more. Eventually it would be nice to feel okay enough to have people in my apartment, ha ha!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Hunt for Glasses

Soooo, I have new glasses to show. I have narrowed my choices down. However, I will be seeing more frames tomorrow, he he. I know no one cares, but oh well...I do. The choices so far:

So, which do you like the best? Let me know please. :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

New Glasses

Sooooo. Um, word to the wise: Don't leave your glasses on the floor, even if you are just too lazy to get up to place on a table. The reason? Well, if you are frantically looking for something in a hurry one morning, you just might step on them. Yep. That is what I did. The frames are screwed, ha ha. So it is time for me to get new glasses.

I went to a nearby store yesterday and tried on frames. There are 5 that I like. I am indecisive as hell so this is pretty much impossible for me to decide. So, I was hoping whoever might be reading this could leave a comment with their choice. A forewarning, I am not smiling, ha ha. Also, one of them I only have a front view of. And lastly, they all look a great deal alike but differ in shape, size, and sometimes color. So, the nominees are:

Judge me! Ha ha! Seriously...I NEED your opinion. Be blunt. Be honest.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A Pet Picking You

You know that excitement that you feel when going to choose a pet? It can be a mouse, rat, bird, snake, dog, cat, whatever. Whenever you go to make that choice, it brings excitement. Of course, it is also a major decision. After all, you are pretty much randomly choosing someone to be a family member.

Some people choose just because of the features and behaviors that a certain breed has, others just take what happens to come along their way either through a stray showing up or a friend with puppies or kittens, and some like to find out how that specific dog's behaviors and such are. As you can see, there are a variety of ways to pick out your new family member, but sometimes, you have less power in that decision than others. Sometimes the pet picks out its owners. It will act a certain way around most people but when that one special person (or however many make up the family) it makes it known that it is meant to be in you life. Destined. Connected in a way that most don't even begin to understand. As an example, I will use one of many pets that have been in my life.

I remember it was a sunny day and we were on our way in the van to a house that advertised for free kittens. I was beyond excited. I was around 8 years old at the time. My sister either 11 or 12, and of course, she was very excited too. You see, it was our first long-lasting pet. We had fish, gerbils, mice, hamsters, and even sea monkeys, ha ha. Now, don't get me wrong, our family had a cat. She was a very sweet, older kitty that eventually needed to move on. (Otherwise known as crossing Rainbow Bridge.) So yes, my sister and I would each get a kitten to call our own. My mom laid down 2 rules. The kitten needed to be short hair. Also, the cat needed to be female. 

So, we arrived at the house and as I was getting out of the van, an adorable black and white kitty was making its way to me. It was strange because it went straight to me, somewhat quickly even. It was meowing on its way. I knew at that point that I would pick that kitten. We snuggled and I told my parents that I found mine. They looked at my sister who was playing with them, petting them, holding them, etc, and asked if I wanted to take a look at the other kittens. Nope, this is my cat. My parents also saw the connection between the kitten and I. There was just one thing, it had long hair! I was afraid that my Mom wouldn't let me have it because of that. She said that she didn't really want a long hair but as long as it wasn't a male she was fine with it.

After taking the kitties to the vet and discovering that yes, my kitty was indeed a he, my Mom vetoed her rule and let me keep him. We had an amazing bond. He would only let me hold him for a long time, he would only sleep with me, not anyone else in the house, and when he would be missing for hours (prowling) he would run back to the house when I called him. He was large (not fat, just a larger boned cat) and strong. I still think about him, and I still miss him. But he definitely chose me that day.

The reason this hit my mind today is because on my way home from the bus stop, I ran across a woman, her son, and their adorable dog. I told her that he was adorable (which he was) and she said that they just got him. I asked where she picked him up and she said the name of the place. Then she said, "Actually, he chose us." I immediately smiled and thought of my first cat. 

Monday, August 30, 2010

Back to Black

Ah, so I had been trying to grow my natural hair color out (from the black I had been dying it.) Of course, having about 2-3 inches of light brownish with a tint of red hair on top and the rest black looked a bit odd. The funny thing? It was one of those temporary colors but it lasts forever on me, ha ha. So yeah, I had been trying to get to my natural color so I could start using a dark brown instead of a black, that way when my roots started to show it wouldn't be as obvious.

Yeah, that didn't last. I got tired of it, it looked so plain and not me. While black is not my natural color, I loved being raven-haired. People thought it was natural, it looked good on me, and  I like black hair. So yesterday after hanging out and playing some cards and strategy games with people, I went to CVS and bought some black dye. I thought about waiting until next weekend to color it but damn...I wanted it back NOW. I now have black hair once more. I feel so much more comfortable.

I also want to talk about an online community site called Meetup. When I was in the hospital not too long ago, one of the members of my treatment team mentioned the site. I wasn't really social and really didn't have any friends at the time, aside from internet friends anyway. I will admit, when she brought it up I thought it was going to be so sucky. I delayed joining for about a month and then I decided out of boredom to give the site a chance. As it turns out, it is a really cool site to join! You look for various groups in your area based on your interests, and the site will list various groups that match. I have joined several groups but I haven't been able to make it to meetup events for a lot of them. I have gone to events for 5 of the groups. Some have been more my style than others. Some people have been friendlier than others. All in all, I can definitely recommend the site to anyone, whether you have an active social life and wouldn't mind doing some new things and meeting new people, or if you don't have too much of a social life and feel kind of alone or isolated.

I went to a meetup yesterday and had a blast. There is one group that I really like and like some of the members and hope to become friends with them...which is in the works actually. So yay! I am getting out there, meeting people, and possibly making friends. It sure is a difference from my past isolative history.

You know you want to try it out now...I know you do. Do it! He he!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Retouching Nightmares

Okay, I understand that sometimes retouching might be needed for a magazine, photo, etc but really?! Really?! Sometimes things just go too far. I could paste a whole bunch of examples but chances are if you are reading this that you have seen several. If not, just let me know and I can direct you to some.

Anyway, as I was tackling the crazy-ass zoo that is Harvard Square today, I noticed the September cover of InStyle. Is it just me or does Hilary Swank look odd?

What's up with her neck? And does her waist and chest seem smaller than they should be? Is this just me? It is fine if you think so, just let me know below.

Another thing that I came across recently was a huge controversy over a 16 year old model, Michaela Steenkamp. She is a contestant on the second season of New Zealand's Next Top Model. One of the photoshoots involved photos of the girls/women in very little clothing, mud, and steam fashioning headdresses and jewelry. Michaela was photographed topless with a little bit of mud covering her "naughty bits," ha ha. People flipped saying that she is too young to have such a photo taken and that it is inappropriate. The television station disagreed but changed her photo on the site by adding additional steam covering more of her chest. Now, considering this photo has not been published to the masses, I cannot post the picture for copyright issues. (I am hoping the cover above isn't an issue either.) Anyway, here is a link to the television station in New Zealand who is airing the show. Now, in my opinion, several photos taken for the modeling world could be considered art. Also, revealing photos are pretty common amongst professional models. Models know that before signing contracts and such. I am also sure that her parents were given a waiver to sign or something before the show even began to be filmed. There are people who do feel that the original photo was very innapropriate and disturbing. Some have even compared it to kiddie porn! I think in no way can it be considered along the same lines as that. Sooo...what do YOU think?

I really would love to read your opinions (if anyone actually reads this, ha ha.)

That is all for now!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Weekend

* originally written on 08/16/2010

The past few days have been rather rough. Thursday through today have been hard food-wise but then other things have been rather difficult as well. My sleep has been very off. I am the reason to blame for this. I know that and I am working on making it better. I am also working on making the food situation better as well. I do not want to lose control again. I do not want this in my life anymore.

Thursday was a rather ballsy day for me. I ran late to work and as I got to one of the subway stations, I saw a woman taking all the copies of a certain free magazine out and tearing off the back of the magazine which showed a restaurant ad. I HAD to know the reason for this so I asked. She started to answer but then looked at me and realized I was just some random woman wanting to know so she stopped herself mid answer and simply said, "Have a good day." I asked if she was hoping to see the restaurant fail or something and she repeated to have a nice day. So, when I got to one of the ticket windows, I let security know. He he! I mean really? Chances are that the restaurant that paid to place their ad in that magazine probably would not have appreciated this crazy woman's actions. Maybe I overreacted but oh well, what's done is done.

As, approached my office building, I saw two co-workers headed out to get some coffee on their break. One of them has been constantly talking about my weightloss. She stopped and said hello and then said, "Wow! Look at you! You have lost so much weight! (Not true by the way.) If you keep it up there won't be any of you left! What's your secret?" My response? "Having an eating disorder." I walked away after saying that. One of them laughed so she probably thought I was making a joke, but really, I just don't care anymore.

While a co-worker and I were debating about various things (we debate often and it is kind of fun for both of us,) we came to the subject of Michelle Obama. I mentioned her "fight against obesity in children" and voiced my annoyances with the actions being taken. My co-worker then brought up the fact that weight can go extreme in the other direction as well (duh.) She said, "Several years ago eating disorders were pretty high in number, but I don't think it is as much of a problem now." I naturally made some kind of face and she asked why. I simply pointed to myself and she knew what I was saying. We didn't keep on the subject though, we moved on which was good.

There isn't much to report about Friday but the same cannot be said for today and over the weekend.

Saturday I slept very late and had a hard time finding the motivation to do what I needed to do in order to treat myself well. I thought about going to a church to play Bingo (he he) so that got me moving eventually. I made it to the church on time and was SO lost about what was going on! I had only played Bingo online really so this was a whole new experience. You had to pay in order to play since there were cash awards being given. So yeah, $20 later, ha ha. Oh well. I did have some fun except for a rather annoying guy who wouldn't leave me alone. He kept thinking he was "helping" me...ugh. Anyway, on one of the games where the prize was $500, I was ONE number away! Ack! It was a blackout game (meaning you had to get every number on that card to win.) There will be another time though. And just so you know, I wasn't the only young person there. There was a couple in their early twenties there as well. Here is a picture from that night:

I ended up walking for a while after the game (which ended at 10!) I was talking with my Mom on the phone when my cell phone battery died. I was a few minutes walk from home so I couldn't call her right back right away. I came to my apartment and plugged the phone into the charger and went to relax on my computer. I had my phone on vibrate so I didn't hear my Mom calling me...4 times. Oops. I caught it the last time and called her back. She was so worried that something had happened to me.

Sunday I had two different meet-ups scheduled (through I was supposed to have brunch with one group at 11am and then meet up at the Esplanade for another that started at noon. Well, it didn't exactly work out that way. I ended up getting exceedingly lost. For some odd reason my brain just would not function at a decent level at all. I finally got there at 11:30am and looked around but I didn't see the people I was supposed to meet. I decided to sit down and eat something alone even though my mind told me just to use this as an excuse to restrict. Nope. So as I was waiting for a waitress to come take my order, a woman I recognized from the group's website asked if I was Karen (Kaz.) I joined her and a guy at another table. We chatted for a bit. I am honestly not sure how I feel about the group just yet. Time will tell.

I was late leaving that group to head to my other group. I ended up leaving the cafe at 1 and the second meetup started at 12. I thought it would be alright though. I walked to the subway and saw that there was a car waiting so I quickly hopped in it. A woman there informed me that the car had not moved in quite a while. I was a little discouraged but sometimes these things happen and are taken care of rather quickly. Nope. We were told to leave the car and that there would be no service on that line. An employee of the transit system was offering directions for individuals trying to get to various places. I asked how to get to the nearest station and he told me. Well...that is what I thought. I walked for about 3 hours with his lousy directions. I never saw either of the 2 stations he mentioned. I actually did find another station though. I ended up getting to the event around 4:15. Thankfully, the group was still there. I stayed and had a good time until about 8. There was one incident that put a damper on my mood though. I was wearing shorts (something I NEVER do but since the weather was going to be somewhat hot and humid and I knew I would be outside I did) and a guy saw some scars on my calf. These scars were self-inflicted. He asked me how I got them. He asked if a cat attacked me or something. To that I simply replied no and went back to what I was saying before. After a couple of minutes he said he would really like to know about the scars. I told him I did not want to discuss it. I was scared to say that and afraid that he would continue to press the issue but thankfully it was dropped and I soon joined some other folks.

So yeah, super long post. I know.

More posts to come! I promise!

Um yeah. I have been working on an update post for quite a while now but I have yet to finish and post it. Soon. I promise! In fact, I plan on working on that tonight along with other things.

In the mean time:

Boston: rainy, windy, at times chilly
Me: struggling, fighting, determined, hopeful
Phoebe: furry, fluffy, adorable, hyper, a tad overweight

Hope everyone is doing alright. Take care!

Friday, August 13, 2010


It has been a very long time since I have updated this. I think I am going to try to keep up with it again. Hopefully I won't suck at following through, ha ha.

One thing I am planning on doing is posting a "Random Pic of the Day" kind of thing. Though, be forewarned that it might not actually be daily, and sometimes there may be more than one.

So today's random pictures:

I know this is a crappy photo but I didn't want the guy to know I was taking a picture. Plus this keeps me from having any legal issues with posting pictures of him without his permission, ha ha. Anyway, those American Flag shorts were CRAZY short!

Who the hell is this supposed to be? And why would they place a bust of him amongst plants?

I wonder why someone felt it necessary to leave these behind. Any thoughts?

Okay, so I also need to just post a general update on what has been going on with me lately but I will save that for another day methinks.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Random Pictures of 2010

These are some of the pictures I have taken with my awesome new camera. :)

^Random snowflakes

^Shiraz (yum)

^Almost home

^Some tangled branches after the snow

^Against the sun, waiting for the train

^My adorable baby, Phoebe

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Far Too Long

It has been too long since my last update and I apologize for that. I have much to update.

First, some of you might not be aware of this but I suffer from an eating disorder. It has gone through better and worse shifts but it has been there for years. About a month ago I started treatment for it in the way of an intensive outpatient group at a local facility. As it turns out, soon it will be time for me to leave the group. Do I feel that I am ready? No, not really. But, I am going to get a nutritionist so that I can maybe get myself into a more stable place. Will all be "fixed" after that? Nope. Recovery is a work in progress...I just have to keep working for now. Some days are much easier than others, some days seem impossible but aren't really.

In other news, I am roommate hunting. Ha ha! My past roommate moved out in mid January and I need someone to replace her. I have been putting ads in Craigslist but the room still is unrented as of yet. I might repost after writing this, actually...

Phoebe is 100% again. :) It is so good to have her healthy again. I was so worried while she was sick, and while I am still paying off her vet bills, I can finally take a deep breath knowing that she is safe.

I am teaching myself how to knit! Shocking huh?! So far, I can only do a few rows but that isn;t too bad for a couple of days in! I am going to get myself some better starter yarn and then see where I can go with this. I think it would be awesome to be able to make things like scarves and such!

This weekend I am going to see ROLLER DERBY! Woohoo! I am so glad that it has started again. :) It is the opening bout and I am definitely ready for it. There is someone in my recovery group that might join me for future bouts too. It will be good not to be there alone.

For my Birthday (not until the 3rd) I bought myself a new camera. *sigh* I love it. I will have to post some pictures as soon as I can. (Which means later tonight or tomorrow since I am at work at the moment.) I needed a new one, so lets hope I have lots of new adventures to take pictures of!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Death of a Co-Worker

I have lost various people over the last few years but mainly they have been family members. Today I found out that a co-worker in Memphis lost her battle with breast cancer this morning. Being here at work, I am thinking of the things she taught me, trained me on, joked with me about. We had some issues, we hit heads a few times, but I really and truly respected her and will miss her. She was so strong, her strength could be scary at times. She was full of life and laughter, always smiling.

I am thinking about signing up for a Race for the Cure kind of thing in her name. I would donate if I had the cash.

I feel badly that I didn't contact her after hearing about her illness. I did attempt to add her on Facebook but that was all. I will light a candle for her tonight.

Rest in peace Elizabeth Garrison. <3

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Poor Bettie!

Bettie is my car, and the poor thing can't seem to get started anymore. It might just be the cold weather, but what if she needs a new battery? That would just suck. I am going to recharge her battery tonight and then instead of every few days I plan on starting her up EVERY day.

In other news, I didn't go see a movie at all because people weren't feeling well. There is still time though!

Last night I met with the Dean of the Advancing Studies college I attend about taking my final. I missed it due to being ill and it looks like I will be taking it on Wednesday the 20th. I have decided that for now it will be my last class for a while. I want to have more time to breathe, more time to be social, and more time to myself as well.

I am not sure what else to write so I guess that means I should stop. Until next time...

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Colds are just not fun. I am dragging today at work. I had left work early Tuesday and stayed home yesterday but apparently my body needs more time to heal. If only I had the leave, ha ha. Oh well. Almost half-way through (not really). I think I can make it 5 more hours though. This is my second time getting a cold this season. Figures.

I might be seeing The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes tomorrow night. The plan was to see New Moon, but alas, it will no longer be in theaters on Friday. Anyone seen the Sherlock Holmes movie? Is it decent? Will I run screaming from the theater?

Tuesday night I went out (yeah I know, I was sick enough to leave work so I shouldn't have gone out...) to a taco night with some ladies in a group from the internet. I had a good time and ate yummy tacos! I am hoping to get together with the same ladies next weekend.

This might be wrong of me but I am kind of looking forward to watching Celebrity Rehab tonight. Too bad my roommate will probably be watching stuff. I need to start looking into internet/cable options for when she moves out.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

iTunes Genius

I started with "Wishing Well" by The Airborne Toxic Event since it had been in my head all day yesterday.

iTunes Genius then picked the following:

1. The Limousines - "Very Busy People"
2. The Gaslight Anthem - "Old White Lincoln"
3. Wild Light - "California On My Mind"
4. Ra Ra Riot - "Can You Tell"
5. Death Cab For Cutie - Grapevine Fires
6. Band of Skulls - "I Know What I Am"
7. Cage the Elephant - "Back Against the Wall"
8. Spinnerette - "Baptized by Fire"
9. Tokyo Police Club - "Your English is Good"
10. Silversun Pickups - "Panic Switch"

Now, I am familiar with most of the songs, the only exceptions being Ra Ra Riot and The Gaslight Anthem. I am a fan of the other songs and bands so I would say Genius has done a pretty damn good job.

I don't love Genius though. I know of a friend who is struggling with a disorder and the songs Genius had picked were all pro as far as her disorder goes...not exactly helpful or user friendly. The song she had started with wasn't pro either, it was recovery-based. So I am still on the fence about the wonderfulness of Genius.